Let’s be honest—we’ve all been there. You tell yourself the breakup was for the best, you’ve unfollowed them on Instagram (or at least muted their posts), and yet, out of nowhere, a song on the radio or a café you used to visit together hits you like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, you’re back to replaying old messages and wondering: why can’t I just move on?
The good news? You’re not alone, and this isn’t a sign that you’re “weak” or “not over it fast enough.” Let’s break down the most common reasons we get stuck on exes, and why it’s totally normal to take time to let go .
First up: we’re all guilty of seeing the past through rose-tinted spectacles. It’s human nature to romanticise what’s gone—our brains tend to gloss over the arguments, the late-night silences, or the little things that used to annoy us (remember how they always left wet towels on the floor?). Instead, we fixate on the perfect weekends away, the inside jokes, and the way they made us feel in the early days. It’s not that the relationship was perfect; it’s that our nostalgia has edited out the messy bits .
Then there’s the hormone hangover. When we’re in love, our brains are flooded with dopamine and oxytocin—the “feel-good” chemicals that make us feel happy, secure, and even a little addicted. A breakup is like hitting pause on that chemical high, and our brains hate it. Those cravings to check their social media or send a “just checking in” text? That’s your brain’s way of trying to get a tiny hit of that familiar pleasure . It’s not you being silly; it’s biology.
Another big one: losing a relationship means losing a part of how we saw ourselves. When you’re with someone, they become wrapped up in your identity—you’re “couple goals,” you have shared plans for the future, and their opinion of you shapes how you see yourself. When that’s taken away, it’s normal to feel a little lost. You might find yourself asking, “Who am I without them?” That confusion isn’t about missing them—it’s about redefining yourself as a single person again .
And let’s not forget the role of closure (or lack thereof). If the breakup was sudden, or if you never got a straight answer about why it ended, your brain will keep looping back to “what ifs” . Did I do something wrong? Could we have fixed it? These unanswered questions act like a mental itch you can’t scratch, keeping your ex front and center in your thoughts.
So, what can you do about it? The key isn’t to “force” yourself to forget— it’s to accept that healing is a process. Here are a few gentle tips that actually work:
1. Stop fighting the feelings. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even a little jealous if you see they’re moving on. Acknowledging those emotions (instead of shoving them down) helps them fade faster .
2. Give yourself permission to grieve. A breakup is a loss, and losses take time to process. You wouldn’t rush someone through grieving the loss of a friend, so don’t rush yourself .
3. Fill the routine gaps. If you used to call them every evening or watch a show together on Sundays, find a new habit to replace that. It could be a yoga class, a weekly coffee with a friend, or even just a new podcast to listen to. Small changes help your brain adjust to life without them .
4. Be kind to yourself. There’s no timeline for moving on. Some days will be better than others, and that’s perfectly fine. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.
At the end of the day, getting over an ex isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about making peace with it. The fact that you care enough to feel this deeply means you’re capable of loving fully, and that’s something to hold onto. You’ll get there, I promise.